E3 2010: Microsoft Conference Wrap-up

Since I've started following E3s (around 2004), I'd have to say that this is one of the worst conferences I've ever seen. Almost none of it looked remotely interesting to me, and with Kinect being such a focus, one would hope that they would use what is actually a pretty cool motion control solution to actually do something new, instead of… well, basically unveiling the entire 2006 Nintendo line-up without any awesome Nintendo games to balance it out.

The conference started with ten minutes (!) of Call of Duty: Black Ops, which basically just lost my interest right away. I mean, who's still excited for an iterized jingoism simulator? You are? Well, you're at the wrong site, pal. The whole game looks shiny and nice, I guess, but I just don't care about gunning down some random foreigners for the umpteenth time. Give me a Call of Duty game that has me playing as "the enemy" or as, you know, not some random imperialistic-lite Westerner, and I might care. As it stands, this game kind of looks like dogshit to me.

Next up, the "Senior VP of Interactive Entertainment" (not at all jargonistic there!) Don Mattrick came out to brag about having timed exclusives, which I don't think anyone cares about, since "timed" implies that it'll be arriving on a different console at a later date. Woo! Exciting!

The only part of the show that was remotely exciting happened next, when Hideo Kojima came out on stage. He was there to, um, introduce his protege, who is directing Metal Gear Rising. Almost all of the hallmarks of the series are gone, and have been replaced by non-stop climax action involving swords and cutting shit up. Oddly, though, this ISN'T a Kinect title. I have to say, I was surprisingly bored by the trailer, although the prospect of cutting watermelons in a Metal Gear game sounds pretty awesome. Ha!

Microsoft touted its "unforgettable characters," like Sam Fisher, Master Chief and Marcus Fenix (none of whom are particularly good characters, of course), and on that note, presented Gears of War 3. Shrug. Looks like more baditude. In fact, almost the entire first half of the conference was filled with hulking he-men, and none of it looked remotely interesting to me beyond a purely academic interest. This game, especially, just looks tired. Shooting? Steroid popping refrigerator dudes? Aliens? Great. I feel enlightened.

There was only one exclusive game reveal during the conference, and we didn't even get any gameplay footage. But it's a game from Crytek, so you know that… wait. I don't know anything about Crytek except that they make ridiculously detailed pseudo-realism graphics, and therefore I have very little interest in them. Are any of their games any good? This one appears to be a bloody gladiatorial game called "Codename Kingdoms," but why play that game when you can play Gladius?

Peter Molyneux then took the stage, and douche douche douche douche douche. I don't care what he has to say anymore, because all of his purported "game design of the future" bullshit has disappointed me and made for really terrible games in the past. I hated Fable 2, and Fable 3 isn't giving me any reason to like it.

The "hardcore" section of the conference ended with tons of Halo: Reach footage, and in an hour of conferencing, Microsoft did nothing to win someone like me over (who even owns a 360!). I'll say this: if you're a fan of this stuff already, it's some serious fan service I suppose. But that's all it is. It isn't anything even closely resembling anything that will excite a conscientious consumer of culture.

So, onto the Kinect segment, and I gotta say, this section deflated an already pretty terrible presentation. Tons of "forced fun" segments, where people who couldn't give two shits about river rafting or video conferencing were forced to do just that. I'm impressed by the tech of Kinect (at least, if it operates the way it appears to), but let me give you the run down of the games and services they showed:

1) Video chat – your XBox can now be an expensive Skype machine! (First time a female's been on stage, too. Hmm, no gender segregation there, huh? I guess all that women care about is talking to their friends anyways!)

2) Watch ESPN. Hurrah? You can also do pretty superficial votes and trivia throughout your game, cause that matters.

3) Kudo Tsuodo comes out on stage, looks high. Introduces, oddly, Kinectimals, which looks pretty gosh-darned adorable and was the highlight of Microsoft's conference. Still, there's no getting around that it's a souped-up Nintendogs.

4) Kinect Sports. ORIGINAL. Looks kind of like dogshit, and I have no need to play a game that has already been done pretty much perfectly in Wii Sports Resort.

5) Joy Ride. Looks fun, but also looks exactly like Mario Kart Wii, minus any of the personality of the Mario Kart series.

6) Kinect Adventures looks like the worst. It's like, river rafting and mine cart pushing and looks dreadful. Plus, the game takes pictures of you while you play.

7) A Fitness game from Ubisoft. SUPER ORIGINAL. Who is going to buy this? Doesn't everyone have Wii Fit already?

8) Dance Central. Looks kind of fun, but only for parties. Drunken, drunken parties.

9) Forza. Realistic driving games with Kinect, because that sounds GREAT. I've never been a big fan of realistic driving games, and this one didn't do much to change my mind.

I don't mean to come off so negative, because I am actually a proponent of motion control, but these games are doing nothing to separate themselves from Nintendo properties, and thus, are probably doomed to fail. It just seems so cynically cash-grabby, and I can't abide by that. Until they come out with something that looks somewhat original, I can't support Kinect. (EDIT: They announced Child of Eden, which appears to be a spiritual successor to Rez, and features Kinect controls, although you can also play with the regular controller. Probably the most impressive looking game of the lot).

Finally, Microsoft unveiled something they've been hinting at for awhile – 360 Slim. It's $300, and ships today. Wait, what? Well, that's pretty cool, I guess, as long as all of the red-ringing has been taken care of.

And that was it. No "megatons," nothing really even remotely interesting. All in all, a pretty piss-poor performance. This conference did nothing to inspire confidence in someone who's already cynical about videogaming in general, and besides Kinectimals, I have no interest in any of these games. Better luck next year, Microsoft.